The new year begins...

Well, it's the start of a New Year, and there is much to be thankful for — a roof over my head, a car that runs, a job, a great and loving family, a man who (I think) loves me and treats me with purity and respect and so on.., good friends, food on the table....

I'm thankful that our God is a gracious God, mighty to save, full of forgiveness, righteous, loving, patient and a shelter for  my body, my emotions and my soul.

For whatever reason, these last few weeks in particular have been difficult for me spiritually. I feel like a dried out sponge that cannot soak in anything, but stays hard and crusty. But slowly, I think the Lord is softening me again — at least that's my prayer.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not contributing, but that I don't have the time to invest. I'm tired of not learning the Word so that it dwells in my heart. I'm tired of being apathetic. So that's my prayer as I start the new year — that God would fill me with a fire for His name. And I understand I have to seek him. We find him when we seek him with everything we've got. It's just making myself do that — understanding how to do that that is a challenge for me, most days.

I realized (and have for a while now) that I feel like I've stopped believing God. Sure, I believe he exists and I believe the truths that he's taught me, but I don't know what else I'm believing him for now, you know? To use me? To direct my steps? To direct my heart and mind in love? To provide? Whatever  it is, I don't think I'm truly believing Him for anything, and seems to be the core  the dilemma.

I'm also struggling with feelings about marriage — like loving someone, but not wanting to call it "serious." It is. It should be, and for whatever reason, it unnerves me to admit it. 

But I think I'm starting to understand the complexity of married love more. There are days of joyful elation. There are days of feelings of love, and then there are just days.

Maybe, that's not right, but it's how I feel sometimes.