stepping into the unknown

Good morning, Lord,
It's always good to be reminded that nothing we have here is promised. Yesterday, Anthony was laid off from work. I'm thankful to have my job, but it just helps to put things in perspective. My savings, my house, my job, my friends...anything and everything could be taken away in the blink of the eye. Help me to keep my eyes set on things that are eternal and not just to get caught up in the day-to-day of life that I find myself wallowing in so much of the time. I want to be used.
Last night during small group, I feel like you gave me a vision. Well, really it was a glimpse of the future - a feeling. You have a transformation awaiting -- a time of refreshing -- that's coming Lord. I want it so badly! I want to be on fire. I want to be radical for you and I find myself just plugging away without purpose. I'm really excited about the potential ministry at the girls home that COTR is doing, and maybe that's a start. But Father, empty me of me, pour yourself in and overflow. I want to spill your love all over, whereever you lead me to go. Help me to be obedient.
The second "vision" I had I'm less sure was you, but it involved Andy. And we were together and there was a sense that it would be like Christine and Jamie, where we are built up into one temple for you. Both excited and both tranformed. I have a hard time imagining that now, but oooohhh that would be exciting!
I still have so many fears about marriage, but I know that it is both hard and wonderful. Lord, teach my heart to match Yours!
Thank you Jesus! Thank you for giving us a new start each day and for bearing with us in a love we so deep we cannot fathom it. You are good.
I give this year to you, best I can. Help me to remember it each day!

The new year begins...

Well, it's the start of a New Year, and there is much to be thankful for — a roof over my head, a car that runs, a job, a great and loving family, a man who (I think) loves me and treats me with purity and respect and so on.., good friends, food on the table....

I'm thankful that our God is a gracious God, mighty to save, full of forgiveness, righteous, loving, patient and a shelter for  my body, my emotions and my soul.

For whatever reason, these last few weeks in particular have been difficult for me spiritually. I feel like a dried out sponge that cannot soak in anything, but stays hard and crusty. But slowly, I think the Lord is softening me again — at least that's my prayer.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not contributing, but that I don't have the time to invest. I'm tired of not learning the Word so that it dwells in my heart. I'm tired of being apathetic. So that's my prayer as I start the new year — that God would fill me with a fire for His name. And I understand I have to seek him. We find him when we seek him with everything we've got. It's just making myself do that — understanding how to do that that is a challenge for me, most days.

I realized (and have for a while now) that I feel like I've stopped believing God. Sure, I believe he exists and I believe the truths that he's taught me, but I don't know what else I'm believing him for now, you know? To use me? To direct my steps? To direct my heart and mind in love? To provide? Whatever  it is, I don't think I'm truly believing Him for anything, and seems to be the core  the dilemma.

I'm also struggling with feelings about marriage — like loving someone, but not wanting to call it "serious." It is. It should be, and for whatever reason, it unnerves me to admit it. 

But I think I'm starting to understand the complexity of married love more. There are days of joyful elation. There are days of feelings of love, and then there are just days.

Maybe, that's not right, but it's how I feel sometimes.